The Boundaries That Gave Me My Life Back

Have you ever wondered why it’s so hard to set boundaries? Is it because we don’t want to hurt others? Is it because we don’t want to be seen as rude or selfish? Is it because we are chasing success and so our answer at work or in life in general is always yes?

Let me ask you this…are you tired? Are you feeling burnout? Do you feel like you are always scrambling from one thing to the next and your mind racing in a bunch of different places? Are you present where your feet are in any given moment? And if not, think of the moments that are passing you by that you are missing with those you love most.

This is not to shame you or make you feel guilty. If we are honest with ourselves, we have all had seasons where boundaries slipped. Maybe even entire chapters of life. The result? Feeling irritable, tired, exhausted, and stuck on the hamster wheel of life. But, there is hope.

There is hope.

I have learned the hard way but I have learned. And when I put these powerful lines into practice that are called my boundaries, I am living a healthier, more fulfilling life. I know that my kids notice it, my husband notices it, and yes those that I say “no” to notice it as well.

Setting and communicating boundaries is not easy to do. If you are like me, and just starting to do so in your 40’s then it will not be easy for others to receive at times either. So here is the deal: think about if you were to design your perfect day what would that look like? For me it’s waking up early spending time with the Lord, then it’s moving my body, and getting myself and kids ready for school and work. The boundary here is, I don’t check work email or slack while I am doing any of these things. Work can wait. Let me be real here. I still have days where I slip. Where work takes over and priorities blur. But leadership for me is not about getting it perfect. It’s about recognizing it, recalibrating, and choosing again…and again…and again.

I also have set a boundary in my career where I don’t check emails or slack from 5:30 pm until my kids are in bed. If I know there could be something of urgency I will check it before bed to ensure work is complete, otherwise everything can wait until the next morning after I get my children off to school and kiss my husband before we leave for work.

Let’s talk about personal lives and commitments. The ongoing social calendar. The pull for family gatherings, quality time with parents, get togethers with gal pals, or your buddies, and somehow fitting in quality time for yourself to rest and rejuvenate. You have to equip yourself with the ability to say No.

you have to equip yourself with the ability to say no.

A couple of phrases that help with this “that sounds fun, but I am not able to make it. Enjoy!” OR “I am sorry I don’t have the emotional capacity right now I am focusing on my quality time with my family of 4 and rest.” OR “that sounds like a really great project, I would love to do that however if I prioritize this, that means XYZ need to be adjusted (and share how they adjust).” Sure, people may not like that you have said no, but that is okay. You are not being rude, you are being kind and clear with what you are focusing on and that is admirable. What is not admirable is making something up. Just be honest.

And last but probably the most important, there are people in your life that drain you. Literally that suck the life right out of you. You know exactly who they are. You feel exhausted after being around these people. Boundaries are critical for these individuals in your life. Hold yourself accountable. Think about and answer the question, how much of yourself are you willing to give up for these people? Taking an honest assessment of healthy and unhealthy relationships and making the necessary adjustments to protect yourself and create a healthy life is important. I recognize at times this is easier said than done. This is not meant to underestimate the extremely challenging situations some individuals face in their lives with unhealthy relationships. My hope is that this perhaps spurs you to assess and take one tiny step or giant leap toward designing the life you want.

And if I might suggest one other item as you are working on a more purposeful life. Set a boundary to unplug from your devices and technology. Commit to real human interaction. Be where your feet are. Create new memories hands free so that you can hold the hands of those you love most. Boundary setting is a journey, a commitment, a way in which we choose to live the life we want. Boundaries aren’t about shutting people out. They’re about protecting what matters most.

Live Elevated. Lead with Purpose.